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I’ve been a very, very bad blogger lately, and haven’t posted in forever. The short explanation is that work and the fibromyalgia have been playing hell with my body, and most of my non-work time has been spent doing the things that are absolutely necessary and sleeping. (Lots and LOTS of sleeping.) One of my blogging friends, Phylor, has posted a letter to the chronically ill part of herself, and it inspired me to start writing again (thanks, girl, I needed that!)
Dear body;
I owe you an apology . . . a big one. I know that many of the things I do make you worse, and I’m really sorry about that, but I don’t feel like I have a choice. I hear you telling me that my job is bad for you by screaming in pain when I work, and starting to feel better when I have a day off. I hear and understand that you’re telling me I’m doing too much when you are so tired it’s all I can do to drag you to the bathroom, and I force you to stand for hours at work anyway.
I have to work, or I can’t feed you, or provide a home for you. Without a job, there would be no herbs to ease your pain, no vitamins and minerals to support your attempts to keep going, no heat to soothe your muscles, no soft bed for you lay down in when you’re worn out and hurting.
It’s a vicious circle . . . I have to work to provide the things you need to treat the fibromyalgia, but the physical and emotional stress of the job makes the fibro worse. I don’t know how to fix it . . . I can’t quit working, but you aren’t capable of doing it, and you’re so exhausted from it that I don’t have the energy to find something else that you CAN do.
I used to feel like you had betrayed me, and I resented your inability to keep up with the things I wanted (and needed) to do. I’ve now come to understand that what I saw as betrayal was simply your attempt to cope with the stresses and strains my life has placed on you. Some of those stresses and strains were (and are) the results of choices I made; but many others were caused by the actions of others. Although I had no control over their actions at the time, there are things I can do now to minimize their continuing impact on you, and I’m learning more and more about that.
I promise, I’m going to find a way to take better care of you. You’ve taken so much pain and abuse, and you just keep going through it all. It’s time for me to figure out how to give you what you need without continuing to make things worse for you, it’s time for me to stop neglecting your needs, and it’s time to start appreciating your strength and endurance.
Me
Chronic illness has taken so much from me, but it has also given much back. It’s given me friends like Phylor, who actually “get it” and a place I actually feel like I belong. It’s given me an appreciation of my own strength and abilities, and the little things in life like a beautiful day or the rare moments when the pain eases. There are days I hate my life; but there are many more when I feel this overwhelming gratitude for what I have, what I’ve learned, and the amazing people I’ve met because of my illness.
UPDATE: Here’s the link to phylor’s follow-up post, with links to all the letters inspired by her original post. And the winners are: thanks to those who wrote a letter to their bodies and minds | Phylor’s Blog
Related articles
- Question of the Week: Are you struggling with making changes? (ohmyachesandpains.info)
- Transforming Myself Into Ms. Fibro-Friendly (ohmyachesandpains.info)
That actually brought tears to me eyes! Thank you for sharing it!
Molly,
You’re very welcome.
Molly,
Thank you so much for you letter, it expressed everything that I feel. I am no longer able to work and am very fortunate to have a loving, caring and very supporting husband that I don’t know what I would ever do without. Fibro is a very difficult illness to deal with but when you have the love and support of family and friends it makes it easier. My best friend has fibro and lupus and my sister-in-law also has fibro so my family gets it. I’ve never been afraid to talk about my illness to people, I believe that everyone should be educated about this illness. I just wish more people felt the same way.
God bless Molly
Theresa
Theresa – Thanks for your comment. I hear from so many people whose families don’t understand and make things worse by “blaming the patient” that it’s wonderful to hear from someone who has a supportive family.
Thanks for helping me say to myself, what I couldn’t or did have a voice To!
Mary,
You’re very welcome. Sometimes it’s hard to find the words to express what’s going on, and it’s always nice to find someone who can provide them for you.
Words cannot express how much this blog touched me. I received my termination letter from my job of the past ten years yesterday. Due to CFS/Fibro plus a few other health issues, I have been on FMLA and ran out of hours. My employer has been very good to me; but, they do need someone who can handle the job. I have resented my body for letting me down . . . this has helped me to look at the situation in a different way. My body needs rest and healing so I can hopefully continue with a healthier life. I don’t know what God has in store for me, but I do know he is holding me in the palm of his hand and will see me through this next phase of my life. Prayers to you. May God Bless you!
Marie,
I’m sorry about your job . . . I went through the same thing a few years ago, and it was awful. I’m glad I helped you see another side to the problem, and hopefully you can come to some kind of compromise with your body that will allow you to do what you want (or need) to do. I wish you the best in the future.
Wendy
Wendy,
Your blog and post are so positive. I feel very fortunate to have stumbled across your blog. I pray your health will improve . . . it is a very dfficult “syndrome” to deal with. So hard for us, our families and doctors to understand. May God Bless You with all the best and most of all with some relief from the pain and fatigue.
Thank you so much. It is a very difficult time for me, but I have to believe that with time things will improve. I do understand how it is to spend all your (non-working) time sleeping and resting . . .that has been my life for at least the past 3 years. I tried so hard to continue working by giving up all activities that were not absolutely necessary. Most recently I developed a pseudo tumor behind my right eye, which has wreaked havoc with my vision. The doctors I have seen say this type of optical pseudo tumor is rare and are treating with prednisone. This is not helping the Fibro, but is necessary to keep the pseudo tumor from recurring and causing more damage to my vision. I am divorced and have been very independent for years . . not being able to drive at this point is frustrating; however, I trust it is temporary and with time my vision will improve
Marie
Marie,
I’m so glad you found something here that is helpful. That’s why I write, and why I’m so open. There are so many of us out here, dealing with chronic illnesses that the doctors can’t really help with, and it’s so hard to find support and validation for what we live with on a daily basis.
I used to sit around and feel sorry for myself until I found the online chronic illness community; and although I still have my moments (and you’ll hear about those on this blog, too,) it’s really hard for me to feel sorry for myself when I hear from others who are so much worse off than I am. They may have more money, and more options for treatment; but there are so many who deal with families that think they’re faking, or lying; so many that have no emotional support at all and are made to feel guilty and worthless because the people around them refuse to accept that they’re really sick; that I just have to be grateful for all that I DO have. I may not have many material resources, but I have all the emotional support I could ever need from my husband and my roommates, and for that I am truly thankful.
Hi Wendy,
Your letter really captures the experiences that all of us in the fibro and chronic pain community go through. You feel that you are constantly betraying your body and are trapped in a vicious circle no matter what you do. I can no longer work, but on my good days — I try to push myself even though I know my body will pay for it over the next few days. I hope you will be given the chance to rearrange your life as to minimize the pain and emotional stress. My warmest wishes!
Thanks so much, Dot. I’m touched and amazed at the reaction this post has gotten. I think that I’ve felt so alone in my struggle for so many years, that it’s hard (and very sad) to realize that my unique struggle is also very common. Although the details are different, we all share the pain and stress of dealing with chronic illness on a daily basis and fight the sense of betrayal and resentment that causes.
ABelieiever shared this on Twitter. May I forward your letter to my body? Thank you for writing that.
Karen
Would you mind if I put a link to this post in my revisiting writing a letter to our bodies? You got such a great response, I’d like to share your comments as well as your letter.
Thanks for sharing. Your letter really touched a lot of people.
Thanks phylor. This post wouldn’t have been written if it hadn’t been for you, and you’re welcome to link all you want. I LOVE when folks link to my stuff!
[...] at her blog Transform Your Chronic Life, starts her moving letter with an apology to her body and then an explanation: I have to work, or I can’t feed you, or [...]
Wow, what a heartfelt post. And what a great prompt for a post.
All I want to do is give you a big, gentle hug.
Thanks Selena – the idea is all phylor’s “fault.” I fell in love with the idea when I read her post, and just had to write my own. Check out this post for more letters: http://phylor.wordpress.com/2011/04/02/and-the-winners-are-thanks-to-those-who-wrote-a-letter-to-their-bodies-and-minds/
Wendy: As a participant, you are entitled to receive a small {sur}prise. If you feel comfortable about it, email me your mailing address. phylorsblog@ymail.com If you’d rather not, that’s fine! Hope to hear from you soon.