I’ve been seeing a lot of talk in the chronic illness community about positive thinking and how it can help you feel better. For quite a while, I’d see references and blog posts and think, “they just don’t get it, you can’t just think happy thoughts and suddenly get well.” I thought that all the folks that were talking about positive thinking were nuts when they said that it made a difference in how they felt, but hey, I’ll try just about anything if there’s even a tiny chance it will help me feel better, so I did some research.
What I found out was that positive thinking doesn’t mean trying to ignore the pain (not that it would be possible if I tried,) or even that I can never feel down or think a negative thought. It means trying to find the best in every situation, even when the best is only a little less awful than the worst.
It also doesn’t mean ignoring the bad bits of my life hoping they’ll get better by themselves, or thinking or visualizing what I WANT to happen, then sitting back and waiting. It means doing what I CAN to change things, then focusing on something else. Once I’ve done all I can, obsessing about it will only make me feel bad and make it harder for me to do the things I need to do.
For example: I hate my job. It’s very physical, it makes my pain levels worse, and trying to do everything they demand is impossible (sorry, I can’t be in two places at once) so it’s also very stressful. I have the choice of thinking about all the “crap” that I’m not getting done and freaking out; or doing what I can, then coming home and thinking about other things.
For the longest time, I’d come home and think about all the stuff I didn’t get finished because I had customers, and stress about the fact that I was gonna get grumbled at when I got there the next day. Then I realized that all I was doing was stressing myself out even more about something I couldn’t change, and making my pain levels go up. (And triggering migraines, too.) I decided that as long as I was working on the other stuff whenever I didn’t have customers, there was no point in worrying about the rest of it.
When they bitch at me because something didn’t get done because I had too many customers, I just tell them that, and I don’t let them make me feel guilty about it. When my manager tells me to do something during the evening, I’ll tell him right out, “I’ll do it if the customers give me time,” and if he gripes I remind him that I’m more than happy to stay as long as I need to; but they get bitchy if I go over my scheduled hours. I’ve even told a store manager that his options were to tell a customer I was closed or approve overtime because it wasn’t physically possible for me to wait on the customer AND get the cleaning done and leave on time.
I do what I can, and once I leave, I don’t think about work again until time to go back. It’s made a huge difference, and I’m able to get a lot more done at home, too, because I’m not wearing myself out thinking about “the awful place.” (I haven’t managed to stop thinking of it like that, because it IS awful . . .) On particularly bad days, I may come home and vent to a friend, but after that, I’m done with it until time to go back.
So how do you deal with the bad parts of your life? Do you sit and think about how much you hurt all the time, or do you do what you can to ease the pain and then think about other things as much as possible? Do you think about all the things you don’t have, or do you think about the ones you do?
Do you compare your life to the lives of the people who have bigger houses and nicer cars, or the ones that have less than you do? Do you focus on the things you can’t do anymore, or look for other things you can do and enjoy?
Positive thinking isn’t looking at the world through rose-colored glasses and refusing to see or think about the bad bits of your life. It’s being realistic, doing what you can do, and keeping your focus on the good things you have in your life as much as possible.
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A lot really depends on my mood; sometimes I’m able to put a positive spin on a situation or “let it go” and not obsess over it. Other times, my “evil twin sister” takes over, and the jaded cynic sees/expects the worst in everything (if you have no expectations of good/success, you don’t get disappointed attitude).
I understand the principle of letting go and thinking of the positive rather than the negative in any situation. Unfortunately, it is something I really have to work at: I have a good memory for bad things and a bad memory for good things.
Great post and you pose some intriguing questions. I’ll have to think a bit longer on the answer to some.
Thanks phylor – I still have those days myself. I tend to be a bit of an “emotional sponge,” and when hubby is feeling miserable and negative I really have a lot of trouble with not sharing his attitude. It’s even worse on “payday,” when I see how little is left after the rent is paid and I realize its going to be another “hungry” week.
Sometimes I just “crash” — mentally, emotionally, physically. A day last week was one of those..bad headaches usually do that & I just get “fed up”. Usually I do what I can and usually that means overdo..i.e. I’ve got to stop lifting…
Wendy I’m glad that you were able to turn work around for you. Management’s probably P.o.’d but oh well…
Kathy – management is just gonna have to be p.o.’d – it’s not physically possible to stay open until time to leave AND do the cleaning, so they just have to decide which one they want . . . Once that slicer comes apart to be cleaned, we’re closed, and that’s all there is to it.
I still have those “crash days,” mostly when we run out of something and there’s no money to replace it.
Good post. I am still looking for those rose-colored glasses. I do find it hard find “happy” when I am feeling like crap. It’s especially hard when I am alone. Then I feel guilty that I am depending on my hubby or kids to bring me “happy”. I’ll get it someday…I’m glad you did!
mo
Mo – I actually find it easier to find “happy” when I’m alone, because there aren’t any negative vibes radiating off of anyone for me to pick up. With the situation around here right now, everyone is stressed out about finances.
Looking for silver linings is a better use of positive thinking than the versions I usually hear about.
Yeah, the folks that talk about “just think happy thoughts” mostly just piss me off. Obviously, they’ve never been hungry except by choice, or not had enough money to go to the doctor when they were sick, or had to choose between buying toilet paper or food. How can they expect someone who has 3 kids saying “mommy, I’m hungry” to think happy thoughts when mommy works 3 jobs and still can’t keep her babies fed, even WITH the food stamps? She can find a few brighter spots to think about, but “don’t worry, be happy” isn’t possible when the jobs in your area don’t pay a living wage and nobody will hire full-time workers because they don’t want to have to provide benefits.
Like you, I get pissed off by the ones who preach positivity as the answer to all ills – and do so, frequently with many more options in terms of support systems available, not to mention security, good health, and so on.
Also like you, I prefer to recognize that there are good days and bad days, the really bad days are what they are (and will pass), and that’s part of a realistic “moderated optimism” that I have tried to adopt as part of my daily life. Admittedly, on days that chronic pain pushes beyond my set-in-the-background norm, it’s harder. Money worries make everything harder. Isolation – even more so. Sleeplessness, perhaps more than anything and we all know that it’s all interrelated.
I do compare myself to those who are struggling with far more burdens than I, and I try to count my blessings – among them, two healthy kids now in college (on scholarships & loans & yes, still the need for a printing press in my basement). And I’m still here, writing and kicking up a fuss. So that must be worth something, right?
Excellent post.
Thanks DA –
You being here writing and kicking up a fuss is worth more than you realize. There have been days when reading something you wrote is what kick-started my climb “out of the hole.” I love the “moderated optimism” idea. It’s a great description of how I look at things, and is much more practical and realistic that what the “don’t worry, be happy” folks preach. They don’t seem to realize that there are times when being happy is not possible (or appropriate.)
There’s a phrase that my therapist used to use all the time (thank you Ginny) that describes the comparison thing very well, and has helped me immensely. She used to tell me that I was comparing my insides to everyone else’s outsides, and that that comparison isn’t fair to either of us. It took me a while to figure out what that meant, and I don’t think I really “got it” until I got a job where I had to hide my illnesses. Intellectually, I understood what she was saying, but I didn’t get that “click” into understanding what it meant until someone told me that they envied my life . . .my immediate reaction was to think “oh, darlin, if you knew what my life is really like, you wouldn’t say that,” and suddenly realized that was exactly what Ginny meant. She was comparing what her life is to what my life looks like, her insides to my outside; and even if you live with someone, you can’t know what their internal experience of their own life is like.
This is a wonderfully written article – thank you very much.
You have raised some good ideas. It is so simple just to say “be positive”, but what does this really mean and is it realistic all the time?
It is so hard to stay focused on the good things, but if you can do this, it really does help.
Good luck and keep up the good work!
Thanks
Thanks Hector.
What really burns my ass is the “positive thinking” gurus who act like it IS realistic to only think positive thoughts, and don’t give you practical advice on how to handle it when something happens that brings you down. Life is what it is, and there are going to be times when we fall into a hole and have to climb back out. Although I can’t drag anyone else out of that hole, I wanted this post to provide them with an idea of how to climb out on their own, and a little hope that it can be done. Too many say, “think positive,” and don’t give you any idea of how to change a negative thought into a positive one.
I’m getting better and better and definitely seeing the mindbody connection….I’ve even noticed that if I release some body tension, it greatly improves my mood and as a result I find it much easier to focus on positive thoughts and set the negative ones aside. I’m still finding my neck a huge issue so I’ve resorted to just basic neck stretches for the moment and if I do get supple enough, to some light trigger point massage and slowly, ever so slowly I’m seeing some improvement there. Can’t wait for full relief!!! so thank you yet again for your book.
So on to the point of today’s message. I’ve been reading and re-reading it and came across a point I’d really like to know how you handled, if you don’t mind sharing it here. You stated:
“One big area I have recently discovered that I really cared what others thought of me was parenting. When my son misbehaved in public I got really anxious without even knowing why.
I eventually figured out the root cause for this and have mostly worked through the issue – and I couldn‟t do it by modifying his behavior! I had to modify my beliefs and emotional habits because the actions I had to take to modify his behavior also caused me emotional and physical pain!”
I’m just wondering if you felt comfortable sharing a little more of this as I’m sure many of your readers could benefit from knowing a little more of this process.
Thank-you again for your book and for your insight. I am hoping to reach your level of health very soon!
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Wendy,
Thank you so much for this post! I am in constant pain and I absolutly can NOT stand when people tell me to just think happy thoughts. I am Happy and I am thinking of what I have and being thankful for what God (The Creator, Most High, or what ever people believe is out there) has given me. The fact is that I am in pain and I have to acknowledge that. I agree with your second paragrapn so much, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Truly you helped me to explain this to loved ones.
I am an advocate of positive thinking and drawing positive energy into ones life. I think that if more people tried this the world could have many making millions and not work for jerks (like the ones in your story). If you think about it we are paid for our time,and not well I might add. I believe that if you continue to be positive then positivity will follow you. It is the basic law of attraction. I believe that my pain will get better and honestly it has just with that thought and prayer everyday I am able to move, take care of my son, work, and just enjoy life. Thats not to say that I don’t have bad days, yet the good out way the bad. This is largely in part to me changing my life around and noticing that being down about makes it worse!!!!! See the best in a really bad situation and you have mastered your fear, pain, fustration,and thoughts of inferiority. Thank you for speaking my feelings in every sentence you wrote.
You’re very welcome Gito. Thank you for leaving such an insightful and supportive comment – it’s always wonderful to hear when something I’ve written has resonated with someone, and maybe made their day just a little bit better.